He cannot be a happy man. Even the gap-tooth smile was missing when

David Letterman appeared on the Ted Koppel Up Close filler program on ABC this second week of July.

Letterman was wooed by the Mouse Network to take over Reader Ted's Nightline time slot.


News junkies are burnt out by 24/7, no gatekeeping, live police chases, cable news outlets by the time

the 10:30 p.m. Nightline show begins to roll its theme music. Besides, that demographic is literally, dying out.

News junks are dinosaurs.

Entertainment. Sassy, smug, lude, and sophomoric hit the key demographics for the beer, car,

and luxury disposal income crowd that advertisers love to touch. Letterman has that draw appeal.


1. Paul Schaeffer is the property of Viacom/CBS.

2. Dave would have to share an ABC office cubical with Barbara Walters.

3. ABC has a company policy against experimentation on mice; instead, it uses its on air talent.

4. Biff can't find Anaheim on the map.

5. Dave fears he may inherit David Hasselhoff stalkers if he relocates.

6. On jumping networks, “been there, done that.”

7. Thinks he has a better chance of hiring the cast of FRIENDS as set janitors if he stays in NYC.

8. He can't remove his current network tatoo: “See B.S.”

9. Sam Donaldson has nothing to do but hang around ABC shows looking to do walk-ons.

10. Paul Schaeffer is still the property of NBC.

11. ABC Board of Directors only allows one comedian on its network broadcasts, Peter Jennings.

12. Mickey is still ticked off Dave made the move on Minnie at New Years Rockin Eve.